Goodbye Almost Lover

What do you say to the one who has been a major part of your life? What do you say to one who has been a true friend to you? What do you say to one who fills your days with laughter and simple joy? What do you say to someone you had hoped would share your life forever? What do you say to let them go?

There is a saying that sometimes the hardest part of holding on is letting go. Over this year I have found that to be true. It is simple and easy to hold on, to always be there, to just enjoy each other. But sometimes we have to choose what is difficult. Sometimes this means letting go. When I think about this, the thought scares me. Letting go is not a liberating, freedom feeling for me. Letting go seems more like falling, or losing my way. Letting go means wandering aimlessly without the one who brought hope and sunshine into my life.

Some would ask--why? Why do you have to let go? Why not hold on forever, or at least as long as you can? This is a question I have often asked myself, and I am not sure if there is a right answer. All I know is....we were almost lovers. Almost lovers are people who are not merely neighbors, playmates, coworkers, classmates, or even friends. There is a bond that grows between them. We were more. We were almost lovers. Even though it probably should've ended the night you changed your mind, it didn't. I have kept my heart in my hands, continually holding it out to you. Being with you is happiness for me. But it is a happiness that will not last. One way or another we will find happiness that will last forever. It will be either apart or together.

Does it hurt anyone to just hold on? It would be so easy, but the answer is a resounding "yes". It hurts because I know. I can feel the longing that may not be filled. I can feel the urge to reach over and hold your hand as we walk side by side down the street. We are so close. I can feel the need to lay my head on your shoulder as we sit together in the silent theatre. I wish I could kiss you goodnight as we stand alone on a cold winter evening. But I can't because you're not mine. It's like a nasty trick that is forever played on me. A cruel joke that holds out a prize and then snatches it away as soon as I get close.

So the answer is yes. I could go on like this. I could leave my heart exposed--continually holding it out only to be weathered and worn even more. The happiness I feel when I'm with you will always come short of true happiness. The happiness that would come from truly being yours. I don't want out joy to be counterfeit. I don't want to hold onto you. Each time I do, my fingers are wrenched off and I'm left alone again. This is no way to live. This is not a good life. This is not how love should be. We should not hold onto each other halfway. If we refuse to give ourselves wholey, we shouldn't give at all. Our hearts should be saved, preserved, for the one we are willing to give it to completely. I don't know who that will be,for you or for me. All we can do is wait and see.

But until then I have to figure out a way to let you go. I'm not saying it will be easy. I know it will not. I'm not saying I will recover quickly. I know I will not. I'm not saying I don't care. Because you know I do. I'm not saying I won't be there if you need me. You know I will. I'm not saying I don't want you. You know I do. I'm not saying much of anything. My feelings for you are kept inside because you're not mine to tell.

I am sure even as I walk away I will still turn to look at you. That's how it is when someone is in your life. You want them to stay. But sometimes the hardest part of holding on is letting go. So as I think of what to do, as I think of what to say, all I can come up with is, Goodbye my almost lover.

These Days

There will be days when I feel okay
Like everything is fine.
Then there will be days when all I can do is miss him,
And the way things used to be.
Sometimes life looks exciting and new.
Other times life is just full of memories I wish I could go back to.
One day I am happy and cool with my life.
One day I am just aching to hold onto the way things used to be.
There are afternoons I stay busy and keep him away.
Then there are afternoons when the pain is just too much.
I lay on my bed and when I close my eyes, his face is all I see.
I see his smile. His dancing eyes.
I feel his arm around me.
And all I can do is cry silently for what may never be.
At one point I thought I was ready for all this to be over
And just move on with my life.
But there are always days like today.
I don't want to lose you.
I just want to keep you close to me.
To be my very own.
Here with me, By my side.
Forever.

A Good Man Suffers

Job is a book of the Bible that offers great insight, encouragement, wisdom, guidance, and testament to the might of God. However, it is often overlooked. Why? Well for me, I know exactly why. I don't think I have ever read the entire book of Job for several reasons. For one, it downright scares me. It is a scary thought that the righteous Job would be tested by Satan. It is not pleasant to read of a man losing everything on this earth. It shows us that no one is free from sin and its effects. It shows that life is not a bowl of cherries. That God does allow suffering, even for His children. This book brings up tough situations and fills my mind with questions. But, I think the greatest reason I have for not reading Job is that I am worried it will cause me to question God, to become angry. How can I read about a God-fearing man be drug through the mud and see the providence in it all? How can I accept God's will in his life, and what if God chooses a similar path for me? This is what scares me the most. But these questions should not keep us at a distance. Job asked the same things, and God was more than willing to answer Job, just as He is willing to answer you and me. But we have to be willing as well. We have to be ready to be made uncomfortable, to wrestle, to pray, to question. And then we have to be ready for God's mighty answer. It will come. And when it does, it will leave us speechless.

Lightning Bugs

When I was young I remember thinking that the years would never pass. It felt as if one month lasted forever, and a year was like an eternity. I remember thinking that time would pass so slowly and I would never get to high school, or drive a car, or get a job. I felt as if I was stuck in the here and now forever. But now....it is so different. Now I can't even tell what the here and now is. It's as if I blink and another day has gone by. Months fly by, and with them years just disappear into the past. It's scary. It's like I see everything happening so fast, and I just want to slow it down but I can't. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster that is speeding out of control, and I have no choice but to stay plastered in my seat with my white knuckles gripping the bar as we fly around the tracks. I'm not sure what causes this change. I remember how slow summer went by during my childhood. We would wake up every morning and plan our day....a few hours in the woods, run through the sprinklers when it was hot, stand barefooted on the scorching rocks in Mama's flower garden, sit lazily on the porch licking a popsicle and playing the car game, find worms for fishing, eat dinner, and then spend the rest of the evening catching lightning bugs in the front yard. I remember falling asleep with the bedroom window open and feeling the damp night breezes blow in through the screen and the sound of crickets ringing through the night. I didn't have a care in the world. Sure I thought about my future. But it seemed so far off that it would never come. And yet, here it is. That future I had been waiting for is here......and it's slipping by fast. I can barely keep up with the days, and before I know it another year has gone by. This summer just started.......and yet it's almost over. To think that this summer is my last summer in college is depressing to say the least. I guess I always think of myself as a kid, and it's hitting me hard that I am supposed to be an adult now. One year of college left, and then what? I just feel like life is passing me by, and I have somehow found myself on the sidelines just watching in disbelief as it races past me. I want to jump on and live it for everything it's worth. But I don't know how anymore. Maybe if I just let everything go and let myself be carried back to how life was ten summers ago.....I could find myself again. I could see that this life is really the same...it's just me that has changed. The days and hours don't pass any faster. There are still 60 seconds in a minute and 365 days in a year. It is my fast paced existence that causes me to lose track of my life. Can I go back? I would give anything to spend this evening on the porch listening to the tree frogs croak and the whipporwill singing. Just to go back to when every minute was cherished and life seemed endless. All I need is a jar, a clear summer night, and lots of lightning bugs.

The Unattainable Dream

My heart needs friendship.
It aches in my chest for someone to love.
That is how we were made...
To know and be known.
But through the years I have realized
That it is all an illusion, a mirage of sorts.
Something you think you see.
You swear it's yours to have forever.
Finally your heart is complete
With the one you found.
The world doesn't seem as big now.
The night is not as scary now.
You have someone with you...
To know and be known.
As you wrap your arms around them tighter,
They begin to slip from your grasp.
You frantically try to keep a hold.
But they begin to vanish like smoke in the wind.
"Don't leave me!" you scream into the night.
They don't seem to hear.
The ears that were so quick to listen before
Seem to be deaf to your voice.
"Where are you?" you cry
As your eyes search the blackness.
But the eyes that once held your gaze
Seem to be blinded to your presence.
You know there is nothing you can do
But watch them fade out of your life.
It is then that you realize...
You are back where you started,
Alone and afraid.
You once again get used to the way things were...
Before.
Soon it happens again.
Out of nowhere someone appears
Like a mirage on the horizon.
They seem real and once again you rejoice.
But as soon as you reach out,
They begin to disappear like a star covered by clouds.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Why do we allow our hearts to become attached
When we know there is nothing substantial
To this word we call "friendship".
And yet we fall in and out of each others' lives
Over and over.
Like a viscious cycle.
There always remains a longing in our hearts.
Someone to cherish.
Someone to share our lives with
Forever.
And although we know it's out of our reach,
We fall for it every time.
Every time.
We never learn, and our hearts suffer for it.
But that is how we were made...
To know and be known.
And it will be what keeps us going
All of our days.
This unattainable dream.

A Sandy Christmas

This year we did something very different for Christmas. 2008 was quite a year for my family. We had lots of ups and downs, twists and turns throughout the year. So we thought it would be a good idea to just get away for the holidays. We decided to spend Christmas at Myrtle Beach. The Myrtle Beach State Park has several little cottages that they rent to vacationers. They were all booked, but we were lucky enough to find one spot available for three nights. Just what we were looking for! We definitely couldn't depend on our old 15 passenger van to get us down there and back, so we rented a 7 passenger minivan. That was the most exciting part of the trip....fitting 9 people into a minivan--not to mention the luggage and everyone's Christmas presents! That was quite a feat! But thanks to Daddy's expert packing skills, we managed to fit inside with just enough room left over to breathe. (We didn't even have to tie anyone up on top. Although, after a couple of hours I would have gladly volunteered to be strapped to the roof!) While everyone was busy loading the van, I decided to help out by putting our breakfast of doughnuts into the oven to warm up. Then I went to help pack. When I came back inside I was greeted by a smoke filled kitchen, black doughnuts, and grim faces. I decided it was a good time for me to get in the van. :)
The ride down was not as bad as I thought it would be. Micah, Hannah, and I sat in the backseat and the 4 younger ones double-buckled in the middle seats. My elbow room was nonexistant and my feet were pinned down by suitcases and pillows. But at least we could breathe. The worst part of our trip down was the radio! The choice of music was seriously driving me insane! Some bright person stopped on the Disney channel and we had to listen to the Jonas Brothers sing a song.....one song is enough from them! Then, Elvis sang Christmas music nonstop. Daddy was fascinated with the satellite radio and he found a French radio station.....where he left it....for like 2 hours straight! This was the point where I almost lost it! Micah was loving it and was attempting to sing along. There she was singing made up French words right in my ear! Every ounce of patience I have ever accumulated was quickly used up. I finally had to scream at her. I felt bad, but hey, it shut her up for awhile. :-)We passed by a town called Manville, SC. We wanted to stop and catch us a fellow there, but Daddy just drove right past the exit! Oh well. We finally stopped at McDonalds and got double cheeseburgers. I was so starving so I ate two cheeseburgers in like less than 5 minutes.....which was definitely a first for me. haha Soon we could smell the salt air and see the palm trees lining the roads. Chaos broke out in the van as the children realized we were finally at the beach!!! Myrtle Beach has such a nice state park. We have only ever camped there, so to stay in a cabin was a new experience. The house was little and white with an airy screen porch lined with rocking chairs. Inside were three bedrooms, two baths, a living room, and a kitchen. It was very nice. I decided that when I build a house of my own, I want it to look like that one. :) After we unpacked and got used to walking again, (which took awhile) Daddy went to get groceries and a Christmas tree. The rest of us stayed at the cabin to explore. First we walked down to the ocean. It was only a 5 minte walk from our cabin to the shore. Chloe could not stay away from the water, even in December. So she took off her shoes, rolled up her jeans, and ran through the waves. I was afraid her toes were going to freeze and fall off....but they didn't. When we got back to the cabin we realized we were locked out. One of the kids had accidently locked the deadbolt and we couldn't get it opened. Soooo....Ian and I hiked up to the rangers station to get some help. In no time we had the door unlocked and were getting settled in for the night.
The next day was Christmas Eve. The weather was beautiful that day! The highs were in the 70s. We drove over to Huntington Beach State Park. There was an old house there that the Huntingtons had lived in. It was supposed to be built like an old castle. It was called Atalaya. Not to put down their creativity or anything, but I was not impressed with their "castle". It looked like a run down warehouse! But anyway, to each his own. We took a nice stroll on a boardwalk that went over the marsh. It was full of oysters. Ian and I climbed over the rail and sat on this bench that hung over the marsh. Our family went ahead and walked off, but we had to get an oyster souvenir. So....I wrapped around the bench-upside down- and took hold of a clump of oysters. Apparantly they attach themselves to something under the mud, because it was pretty hard to pull up. But we finally pulled it out. About that time I started freaking out, because I realized I was hanging upside down over a marsh.But I didn't die. We climbed back over the rail and snuck back to the van without the rangers seeing our souvenir. :)One thing that stood out in our day trip to Huntington was a couple and their son who walkd by us. They saw my siblings trying to open this old trapdoor at the "castle" (which was actually the basement door, but we didn't tell them that). But anyway, I heard her say something to her husband about "those rotten children over there". Yeah, so that pretty muched ticked me off. I was going to tell my siblings to go tackle her...but I decided not to. She was obviously a confused and frightened lady, so I left her alone. :-)
That night we observed our Christmas Eve traditions at the cabin. Mama always reads a book called The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey. (We always laugh at her because there is this one part she always cries in every year!) We sang a few Christmas hymns, watched the Nativity Story , and set out our stockings.
Christmas morning came before we knew it! We woke up early enough to watch the sunrise. We ran down to the beach in our pajamas and made it just in time to watch the sun coming over the ocean! It was beautiful! I ran down to the shore to write Merry Christmas in the sand. Since we were alone, I didn't mind being in my Hannah Montana pajamas. (Thanks for the pjs Grandma! LOL) No one was around to see me anyway. But as I finished writing, I turned around and saw a guy jogging by. (He looked like Buddha running down the beach!) I glared at my family who was just standing there snickering. They obviously didn't think it necessary to warn me that Buddha was jogging right by me in my Hannah Montana pajamas!! But anyway, we went back to the cabin and read the Christmas story on the porch, and then went inside to open our gifts. Daddy and Mama cooked a delicious Christmas dinner of ribs, macaroni and cheese, fried green beans, and fruit salad. That evening we wandered out onto the pier and watched the fishermen. Later on when everyone was settling in for the night, I had an urge to walk one last time on the beach....at night. I thought it would be cool. So Micah, Hannah, Chloe, and I snuck out for our excursion. The porch light quickly lost its effect and we were surrounded by darkness. We had to walk through the woods to get to the beach. We were pretty much scared to death. Our cell phones were not very good lights, and we were defenseless. But we found some tools by the horse hitching post. These looked like pretty good weapons, so Chloe grabbed a pitchfork, and we went on our merry way to the beach. The fog lay heavily over the sand, and the ocean was so black...all you could make out was the white foam when the waves crashed. It was beautiful....but creepy. After a quick visit, we hurried back to the cabin, but not before returning the pitchfork we "borrowed." :) We took off running through the woods and finally made it back to the cabin. That was a fun excursion, even if it did creep us all out.
The next morning we had two hours to get everything packed and cleaned. We finished in pretty good time, and stuffed ourselves back into the minivan. The ride home was an experience just like the one down there. But we had home to look forward to. That's the only thing that helped me survive the squished trip back. As we pulled into the driveway, we knew our vacation was over, and it was back to real life. I am thankful most importantly for the opportunity to remember and celebrate our Savior's birth. And I am thankul that we had such a memorable Christmas together! :-) Hopefully we can do it again next year!

....Thoughts....

"[She] went after her lovers; but Me she forgot," says the Lord.
~Hosea 2:13
Lately I have gotten so involved in my life down here on this earth. I constantly think about what will make me happy or fulfill me. I worry over my career choice. I worry over my relationships. It's as if I want control over my life, and sometimes it scares me to think of handing control over to God. I wonder what He will ask of me. I wonder what He has in store for me. There is a choice to be made. Devotion to Christ is not just a frame of mind or a phrase that sounds good. I have learned that it is actively handing your life over to Christ and willingly following wherever He leads. I have been struggling with this lately. Sometimes I feel like I only have one life down here on this earth, so I should do what I want to do. But then this verse comes to my mind. " If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it." Luke 9: 23-24 I realize that following Christ is a choice. I am not forced to hand over my desires to God. I can keep my life for myself and try to find fulfillment on my own. But what is the end result? Only by following Christ do we truly find satisfaction and peace. "You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own life that I lose sight of what my purpose in this life is supposed to be. As a Christian, my main goal in this life should be to grow closer to God and to further His kingdom on this earth. Instead, I have been trying to find happines my own way. I thought I would find happiness in being a teacher or dating a certain guy. But I have been shown through God's Word that these pleasures are fleeting and only the joy that comes from God will truly remain and satisfy. "In His presence is fulness of joy, and at His right hand are pleasures forever more." Psalm 16:11 I am not saying that I no longer desire earthly relationships or pleasure, but I want my soul to find rest in God alone. If He wants to bless me with other joys...they are welcome, but I desire to be fully satisfied with Christ alone. I want my heart to echo the words of the missionary David Brainerd. " I enjoyed great sweetness in communion with my dear Savior. I think I never in my life felt such an entire weanedness from this world and so much resigned to God in everything. Oh, that I may always live to God!"