Pull Me Out

I now have a new favorite Bebo Norman song (like that's unusual). lol This one comes from his latest cd titled....Bebo Norman. But anyway, like always, his songs seem to relate perfectly to my life and certain emotions of mine. This song is called "Pull Me Out". You've probably heard it on the radio...but I love lyrics, so I'm going to write them out.

"Tell me now, when does this start feeling
Like I understand everything I'm dealing with.
First I was young, now it's all just happening.
And what about the way I said that
Made you turn around and shake your head
Like I don't even know what I'm asking for.
This could be all about just letting go.
Or this could be all about just holding on.
I can't get my feet off of the ground.
I wanna run but I don't know how.
Can you reach down here and pull me out?
Can you pull me out?
I wanna scream but there's no sound.
I wanna fly to You somehow.
Can you reach down here and pull me out?
Can you pull me out?
Remember when I was young and hungry
I could take it in without much money.
I had nothing at all but dreams and time to kill.
Now I feel like I'm treading water
And I'm hardly real, I'm just trying harder
To make my way on this earth by standing still.
Not a moment too soon...
You will be my rescue
But tell me how long will it take?

I don't really know what this song is supposed to mean, but I know what it means for me. lol
It reminds me of where I am in my life. Sometimes I feel just like the one line that says.."First I was young, now it's all just happening." I know I should be happy about being twenty, and I am thankful that I've made it this far...but it is really depressing for me to think that I'm getting older and I am an adult now. I feel like the exciting, youthful days are over and I have nothing to look forward to. lol...Just a day after day existence on this earth. Sometimes I get sick of the idea of growing up and not being as carefree anymore. "Remember when I was young and hungry.... I had nothing at all but dreams and time to kill." I remember being young and I had so many dreams, and I couldn't wait to get older. But now that I am here and my "dreams" are happening......I wish I could go back to a time when I had something to look forward to. I don't really know why I have been feeling like this....maybe because this year didn't turn out how I had hoped. (to say the least) Relationships that I built my life around crumbled in a matter of days....and I've had to pick up the pieces and get on with my life. I tell everyone else involved to just get used to it...but I know by experience that is easier said than done. My whole concept of what a relationship was crumbled, and I am still trying to force myself to believe that everything won't turn out the way this relationship did. I had a similar experience a couple of years ago when my friend Brooks passed away. He had just gotten married a month before and constanty talked about his new family and all the kids he wanted. When he passed away, I saw all that he had wanted go away in an instant. I wondered what was the use in him loving and getting married if it was all over in a month? I remember being scared by the thought of love after that. I was scared to ever love anyone or think of starting a relationship with someone after that. The ever present question in my mind after his death was ...."what's the use anyway?"
I struggled with those feelings, because I knew that there is a purpose for everything, and like they say..It is better to love and lose then never love at all. (Or something like that) lol
I was finally able to get over my hesitation towards relationships. Since I have never dated, the only real relationships I had were with my brothers, sisters, and a few dear friends. I knew that my relationship with them would never change because we were a family. We had been together through eveything..for years...and years. My bond with my family was only made stronger because my siblings and I were homeschooled. My older sister was definitely my best friend. (as were my other siblings...but my older sister and I had a very close relationship). People would often joke about how you could never see me without her or her without me. People were shocked at how well we got along. We always worked at the same place....I followed her to Zaxby's. She followed me to SCA. lol If I left work before she did, or vice versa, she would always say" See ya later Kinsey. Love ya!" I remember our coworkers thinking we were crazy for actually saying "I love you" to each other. :-) But anyway, alot of my dreams as a child had her as a main component. I pictured myself as her maid of honor at her wedding, couldn't wait to be an aunt to her kids, and sit in a nursing home together as old ladies....causing mayhem no doubt. lol But now everything has changed. I like to dwell on the old days when I get the chance, but then just like when Brooks died, I find myself asking.."what's the use?" Even the relationship I thought for sure would be around forever has ended....So I have been struggling to look forward to the future and not dwell on the past. I think these experiences have been good for me in a way. I realize that relationships do not last...no matter how much you want them to. Not that you ever stop loving the people dear to you. I have not stopped loving my sister..even though we aren't on the best of terms. You never stop loving them...you can't. But I have learned that relationships do change and it's not the end of the world. Life is what you make it. I could choose to be miserable, but I don't want to be. I do get depressed at times, but I am thankful for a valuable lesson that God has taught me through all of this. Rely on Him. I have learned that the only sure relationship is my relationship with Christ. That is the only person who could never disappoint me and never leave me. With Him I never have to worry about being alone. I think that is why I can relate to Bebo's song. Instead of constantly worrying over earthly relationships I have now been taught to worry about eternal things...because those are the only things that matter anyway. It's kind of like I've finally come to the place where I can say..."All of my plans and dreams for myself have proved to be worthless. I need Your help. I want to do Your will. Not my own. I want Your plan for my life....no matter what it is."
Not to say that I don't value relationships with my family and friends. I do....very much. And I look forward to any other relationship God sees fit to bring my way. I think I have just learned to worry about eternal things and let God handle my life and my relationships.
"This could be all about just letting go.
Or this could be all about just holding on.
I can't get my feet off of the ground.
I want to run, but I don't know how.
Can You reach down here and pull me out? Can You pull me out?
I want to scream but there's no sound
I want to fly to You somehow.
Can You reach down here and pull me out? Can You pull me out?"