Lightning Bugs

When I was young I remember thinking that the years would never pass. It felt as if one month lasted forever, and a year was like an eternity. I remember thinking that time would pass so slowly and I would never get to high school, or drive a car, or get a job. I felt as if I was stuck in the here and now forever. But now....it is so different. Now I can't even tell what the here and now is. It's as if I blink and another day has gone by. Months fly by, and with them years just disappear into the past. It's scary. It's like I see everything happening so fast, and I just want to slow it down but I can't. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster that is speeding out of control, and I have no choice but to stay plastered in my seat with my white knuckles gripping the bar as we fly around the tracks. I'm not sure what causes this change. I remember how slow summer went by during my childhood. We would wake up every morning and plan our day....a few hours in the woods, run through the sprinklers when it was hot, stand barefooted on the scorching rocks in Mama's flower garden, sit lazily on the porch licking a popsicle and playing the car game, find worms for fishing, eat dinner, and then spend the rest of the evening catching lightning bugs in the front yard. I remember falling asleep with the bedroom window open and feeling the damp night breezes blow in through the screen and the sound of crickets ringing through the night. I didn't have a care in the world. Sure I thought about my future. But it seemed so far off that it would never come. And yet, here it is. That future I had been waiting for is here......and it's slipping by fast. I can barely keep up with the days, and before I know it another year has gone by. This summer just started.......and yet it's almost over. To think that this summer is my last summer in college is depressing to say the least. I guess I always think of myself as a kid, and it's hitting me hard that I am supposed to be an adult now. One year of college left, and then what? I just feel like life is passing me by, and I have somehow found myself on the sidelines just watching in disbelief as it races past me. I want to jump on and live it for everything it's worth. But I don't know how anymore. Maybe if I just let everything go and let myself be carried back to how life was ten summers ago.....I could find myself again. I could see that this life is really the same...it's just me that has changed. The days and hours don't pass any faster. There are still 60 seconds in a minute and 365 days in a year. It is my fast paced existence that causes me to lose track of my life. Can I go back? I would give anything to spend this evening on the porch listening to the tree frogs croak and the whipporwill singing. Just to go back to when every minute was cherished and life seemed endless. All I need is a jar, a clear summer night, and lots of lightning bugs.