Goodbye Almost Lover

What do you say to the one who has been a major part of your life? What do you say to one who has been a true friend to you? What do you say to one who fills your days with laughter and simple joy? What do you say to someone you had hoped would share your life forever? What do you say to let them go?

There is a saying that sometimes the hardest part of holding on is letting go. Over this year I have found that to be true. It is simple and easy to hold on, to always be there, to just enjoy each other. But sometimes we have to choose what is difficult. Sometimes this means letting go. When I think about this, the thought scares me. Letting go is not a liberating, freedom feeling for me. Letting go seems more like falling, or losing my way. Letting go means wandering aimlessly without the one who brought hope and sunshine into my life.

Some would ask--why? Why do you have to let go? Why not hold on forever, or at least as long as you can? This is a question I have often asked myself, and I am not sure if there is a right answer. All I know is....we were almost lovers. Almost lovers are people who are not merely neighbors, playmates, coworkers, classmates, or even friends. There is a bond that grows between them. We were more. We were almost lovers. Even though it probably should've ended the night you changed your mind, it didn't. I have kept my heart in my hands, continually holding it out to you. Being with you is happiness for me. But it is a happiness that will not last. One way or another we will find happiness that will last forever. It will be either apart or together.

Does it hurt anyone to just hold on? It would be so easy, but the answer is a resounding "yes". It hurts because I know. I can feel the longing that may not be filled. I can feel the urge to reach over and hold your hand as we walk side by side down the street. We are so close. I can feel the need to lay my head on your shoulder as we sit together in the silent theatre. I wish I could kiss you goodnight as we stand alone on a cold winter evening. But I can't because you're not mine. It's like a nasty trick that is forever played on me. A cruel joke that holds out a prize and then snatches it away as soon as I get close.

So the answer is yes. I could go on like this. I could leave my heart exposed--continually holding it out only to be weathered and worn even more. The happiness I feel when I'm with you will always come short of true happiness. The happiness that would come from truly being yours. I don't want out joy to be counterfeit. I don't want to hold onto you. Each time I do, my fingers are wrenched off and I'm left alone again. This is no way to live. This is not a good life. This is not how love should be. We should not hold onto each other halfway. If we refuse to give ourselves wholey, we shouldn't give at all. Our hearts should be saved, preserved, for the one we are willing to give it to completely. I don't know who that will be,for you or for me. All we can do is wait and see.

But until then I have to figure out a way to let you go. I'm not saying it will be easy. I know it will not. I'm not saying I will recover quickly. I know I will not. I'm not saying I don't care. Because you know I do. I'm not saying I won't be there if you need me. You know I will. I'm not saying I don't want you. You know I do. I'm not saying much of anything. My feelings for you are kept inside because you're not mine to tell.

I am sure even as I walk away I will still turn to look at you. That's how it is when someone is in your life. You want them to stay. But sometimes the hardest part of holding on is letting go. So as I think of what to do, as I think of what to say, all I can come up with is, Goodbye my almost lover.